Mastering Avowed’s Most Toxic 360 No-Scopes: Just Another Sunday in the Mushroom Park

In the midst of the chaos, the team falls apart. The chatter between party members gets drowned out by the leader’s unrestrained shouts echoing through his Mountain Dew and Dorito-coated mouth: “That’s what your mom said last night, get shrekt!”

Amidst the clamors of wounded Xaurips, the Aedyran envoy hisses insults reminiscent of Xbox Live’s golden days. Spinning and shooting without pause, their exhaustion is palpable. A less seasoned player might have succumbed to dizziness long ago, but here they stand, battle-worn, their armor metaphorically caked with the essence of mom’s spaghetti.

Stopping? Not a chance. They’re hooked. There’s treasure to claim, victory jigs to perform, and – most crucially – foes to humiliate in the most meme-worthy act of all: teabagging. Back at their base, there’s a moment of reflection as they tweak their trusted arquebus once more, dreaming of adorning it with the gaudiest custom skin imaginable. They marvel at their journey through countless challenges, having crafted a gaming style that maximizes sheer audacity. Their companions may loathe them, but it doesn’t matter when they’re singing along to the grand MLG symphony.

Their love affair with destruction began long ago, with the acquisition of a top-tier arquebus from a Fior Mes Ivèrno vendor. It had the allure of a Barrett 50 Cal—a sniper rifle perfect for filling opponents with lead in the most audacious, attention-grabbing manner. They embraced their unconventional appearance, laughing at those who mocked the magic wood obscuring most of their face.

In Avowed, learning curves don’t slope gently, especially not for the unconventional. Facing fierce melee foes demanded perfect timing and quick maneuvers. They discovered the arquebus’s lengthy reload dictated their need for speed, synchronizing it between their dizzying spins to avoid unnecessary downtime.

There were setbacks. A record of frequent defeats taught them to rely on allies who might not always be thrilled about offering support. Philosophical interruptions by a mysterious deity could have been frustrating, but they shrugged it off, more concerned with their abysmal kill-to-death ratio, painfully evidenced by repeated failures that had nothing to do with lag. Yet hope remained undeterred.

Drawing inspiration from the legendary Faze Clan, they persevered. Over time, accuracy improved, and combat efficiency spiked. Skirmishes stretched over daunting minutes, but slowly, hitmarkers became more frequent, headshots more precise, igniting the insta-kill meter into life. They were breaking the mould, a shooting star among stagnant players.

Rise to the occasion they did. The target was one of legendary status—a bear named Old Nuna—a fitting foe for their first bounty hunt. Packing enough noise-makers to shame a concert, they trekked towards the beast’s cavern while blasting a chaotic blend of Eminem and Minecraft song parodies.

Seizing the moment, they pledged to make it count. Inside the cave, stained with the scent of defeated sporelings, they indulged in a feast of power-ups before launching an all-out assault. Bang, twirl, bang, twirl – the spectacle was nothing short of a deadly dance, a blend of chutzpah and Cheeto dust. Some shots went astray, but the crucial ones—they hit home.

Old Nuna, as the largest target, crumbled first, prompting ecstatic cries of victory. Celebration ensued—expressions of shocked delight from faceless onlookers complementing their triumph over popping icons and familiar symbols. Mushrooms posed a lesser challenge and fell swiftly.

Upon their victorious return to Fior, the animancers’ stares met them, likely due to their outrageous remix of a classic Rick Astley tune blaring from every air horn they had. Triumphantly, they claimed their bounty, only to find their request for endless loot boxes denied by the bounty master.

They leaned in close, taunting the master with creative insults before swaggering away amidst bewildered audience reactions. It didn’t matter—what’s done is done. There’s only room for growth in power.

Something big was underway. The arrival of the Avowed 360 no-scoper marked the dawn of a new era.

With an energy drink-fueled mind, they looked towards Thirdborn for the next challenge, ready for whatever came their way. Inquisitor Lödwyn had unwittingly entered the wrong battleground.